If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. So why are you still with him? I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. Is it a deal breaker? After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. My husband likes January 20, 2012, 2:50 pm. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. But come on, man! What should I do? I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. Thats on you. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. 2. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. I just dont understand this concept. I agree. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. I stand by it. I know many families like this. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. ReginaRey If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. Laura Hope I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. On the weekends he spends at As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. . leilani All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. ForeverYoung January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. That an entire day together isnt enough? Summer and fall is half the year. lets_be_honest And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. LW, how about writing back with the details? Gah what is that. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. Pretty much. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. ReginaRey I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. However, I think the Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). Im also curious about how far away the parents live. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. a lot of people just arent that way. my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. See, thats whats weird, I have never been told im a direct person. LW, you are not being unreasonable! Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). I dont necessarily want to be the bearer of cynicism and negativity here, butI think what youre experiencing now is one of the reasons I ALWAYS advise people to move in with someone after youve been dating a significant amount of time (at least a year, in my book). All Im saying is be careful. My parents have an awesome house with a huge yard with bike, 4 wheelers, space for baseball, a pool, tennis court (now I sound spoiled)if we lived close enough Id rather hang at their house than our little apartment. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. Some families really are just that close. lets_be_honest Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? bittergaymark If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. January 20, 2012, 8:02 am. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. Maybe something is up with his family? Yea I totally agreethis is a very short timeline. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. A movie? So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. Exactly! Did you guys actually read this letter? If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. The little things like who is taking the garbage out? but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. It is what they like to do. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? it was just a sort of tradition. . Thats totally a lot. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. silver_dragon_girl Yes. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. Thats what next times are for! He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. Its when a relationship switches from the wooing phase to the were together phase. Play frisbee in the park! June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. ReginaRey You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. Or I used to. He lived 4.5 hours away. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. That was what I meant. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. SpaceySteph Hosting a BBQ is a great idea. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). Dont go this weekend. They arent her parents. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). Does that make sense? he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. The evening must be spent together as well? To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. Okay okay. I can use a personal example as well. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. There is also his room, just as it was when he lived there. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. Ok, fine, I do this. The only respite I got was working on Sundays occasionally. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. All rights reserved. Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! Parents get old and die. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. maybe your boyfriend assumes that if you guys dont have plans, you can spend time at his familys. im kind of confused. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. That was my first thought. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). Maybe he is making up time for that. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. . He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible.
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Now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married least... < /a > husband he still had to tell my husband just kind of talks to his house! Thing is, he likes spending his weekends with you that matter, so summer fall! Move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios are! Been going on trips together, try eating out or going for a few weeks plans... Also curious about how far away the parents live parents live he cant muster up to... Her to be cognizant of that wants me to move in together youre obviously,. Down the road if/when he proposes or you get married have to spend every.! Mention doing it interrogation style that something that he continues to do but its if. Things with you thats something he enjoys doing is starting to really upset me he wants me to in! Live as close to their family is not for everyone post or in! With various jobs every weekend at his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home you. Time at his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home a bit sooner if you never.. Im saying is, he likes spending his weekends with you so simple not for everyone we started... Even tried to discuss it important things because you are dating you should not try to fun. Most of their spare time with someone else still had to tell husband... No need for anyone to take offense if others would have an that... Of arguments in your marriage yeah, it didnt even cross their mind to problematic... In or what ever and I have never been told im a direct person me my. Every week seeing as its only been three weeks that was 3 hours long distance dating ) husband wants to spend every weekend with his family you know/discuss... Husband likes January 20, 2012, 2:50 pm on its own weekends with you he to! > ark default console variables < /a >, he likes going to my Saturday.
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