No matter what I said, or did, or tried, were ever rememembered or made the smallest impression on him. I write about getting through denial extensively in my first book. You get it. Sorry, for the preamble but I am struggling to cope with my situation and wondered whether there has been any commentary from other ADHD sufferers (tea-total) who have a similar problem with their partners addiction/disorder? This is all too common a phenomenon. Does that hold true in ADHD? When am I being too supportive? Don't block him back even if he has done it to you. You might want to read my most popular blog post: I cant promise it. You can be hurt by broken promises. You were taking an amphetamine that suppressed your appetite during the day and made it hard to come down at night, for sleep. All of my paranoia began when I realized that he was looking at MY phone all the time, and then concocted insane stories based on texts (etc.) Eventually I was able to get my husband to agree to some office-grade carpet for the living room, which I had tried to claim as mine but um yeah And that was just laid down like a rug lol That was the second house in a row that needed some work and said work got done when we moved out so when we bought the yard for the dog, I insisted we NOT DO THAT AGAIN. He rented an apartment so I could have better access to treatment. My friend Annick Vincents book might fit that bill. I was a wreck. Ive just started medication, and youve helped me to think about how I need to approach this phase of the roller-coaster journey. She is unwilling to read ANY resource I present. But I said something inappropriate and bratty in a text, so she cancelled; 2 days after she told me she knew I was the one for her So it wasnt a question of love. Also: Read my book. And the only one then and since to comprehensively describe Adult ADHD, particularly the late-diagnosis complications, the evidence-based treatment strategies, the nature of denial and getting past it, and the potential effect on the partners. I took me many years to see, and then to accept, that my endless struggles to just talk to my husband got nowhere. A condition in and of itself is not a reason to . However well or poorly understood by both partners. He lives five hours away. Ive gone through hell with this man, and after doing research I get You couldnt tell. The more your symptoms and habits improve, perhaps, the less your wife might self-medicate with alcohol. My husband doesnt ask me how Im doing and then I feel stupid when I have to pipe up and tell him, Im too weak to do this or that or that I cannot walk as fast as him. That sounds all kinds of painful, right? Sometimes when a thing feels too good to be true, it is! It Takes the Two of You. In more than a decade of leading the ADHD partners support group, Ive heard it too many times. On the other side of the house. My comments describe situation that I believe is widely shared among ADD people who have spouses that are not as afflicted, or afflicted less severely. Submitted by shmm on 04/04/2014. Then he throws a tantrum like a little child Breaks thing On purpose and breaks everything else by being irresponsible. Computing all this I then said. Despite knowing how much his condition was affecting me and his own life, he didn't respect either of us enough to get the treatment he needed. The answer is NO! On the flip side, being invalidated is my kryptonite. If I was giving advice to my younger self, I would say Go! And yes, theres lot of ADHD in her family. I heard a doctor say he was from the CDC. Read books about how to be emotionally connected and available and make notes for the future. So its strange to read this after those fresh ponderings. 2) the trend online now is to tell the partners of adults with ADHD to be more understanding, more patient, more accommodating, more, more, more, etc.. As if many didnt already try that. If he has ADHD, he might make promises to you that he can't keep for a number of reasons. I just dont know how to even talk to him at this point without getting yelled at and then without consenting, getting stuck with all our shared responsibilities until he can self soothe enough to participate in our life. 25. I dont recall any commentary from folks in your position. They might have poor insight to their challenges, also called denial.. So he lied, for 3 weeks. Unfortunately, this might not come about unless you take the lead. The rough portion of the visit went as well as these things can go, no major incident or upset with my family. Ive tripped and bashed my toes many times on crap laying around or had to move something out of the way to squeeze through. Home is where I constantly try to avoid any cause of discomfort or annoyance. We were together almost 5 years and honestly I don't know how to feel. Many have learned to live with it. COVID-19 probably makes that impossible. Say that you cannot continue doing this. Please take care of yourself. You can also use the online chat. But really, he just doesnt show it the way others do. Your background sounds so difficult. If you know your keys jingling drives me crazy, I dont know why you dont do something about it? So I cant have my matching keychain (a gift from my sister) because I should be more sensitive to his triggers. I chuckle and close the door, ahhhh the peace of an orderly home! . People with BPD may experience rage when they perceive rejection, neglect, or abandonment in a relationship. am I doing something for him that he CAN & SHOULD be doing for himself?) I was mildly opposed to the hole, KNOWING his habits lol. Just after actually seeing me he reacted accordingly. They are trying to keep a lid on their intense feelings of resentment, frustration, and anger even as they are spinning untold number of family plates. Once home, I saw he had dutifully set up my bedstead with a land-line phone and his cell phone. And probably the reason BPD is one of the misdiagnoses I went through its the trait of it I have very strongly (I dont come anywhere near the criteria dating 2 people in a year and not getting super serious while separated from my to-be husband with no intent on either side of getting back together was overly promiscuous according to the person who diagnosed me, as an example) and overlaps with PTSD. In my new course, I approach the topic in a way that doesnt insult anyones intelligence, with dumbed-down slogans about chemical imbalances, etc. And many of them have PhDs and MDs! Being a positive person has its downside, and I have learned a great lesson from this relationship I am going to restart therapy for myself, so that I can learn to love myself again after all of the things this man has said and done to me. I was raised predominately by my narcissistic mother with a younger and very troubled sister. I urge you to take care of yourself. I stay silent and have learned to not depend on my husband for any appt making, or taking(the kids), no honey do list, no expectations or requests. Blaming me that I cheated on him and he was so tired with very small things we fight again and again. Ive lost myself in his problem. Your best bet, Id guess, is really focusing on education and trying to help her to an evaluation. My new wife was not a neat freak, but was an orderly person who needed a much more organized environment than I did. Maybe someone will read your comment and respond. Hes yet to repay the favour, but Im able to understand why hes frequently absent, and what was leading to me feeling unheard. Hes made sure I have had everything I need, no matter what. This is a common issue felt by those with ADHD partners. I finally got to my feet and limped Quasimodo-like back to my office, calling out as I went. And what you will have to do is take care of yourself. Well bugger me, there is NO partnership here and Im friggin drowning. I am not his mother! Its another thing for our ADHD partners to remember and be able to respect those boundaries. The relationship is toxic, in the sense that they check on each other's locations all the time, call/text incessantly til one answer, and at times, he . I lay there marooned for too many hours, him out of shouting distance. I was already being cautious and really using it as a mobility aid and between the injury and diagnosis, and during that time I built up a solid track record that was indisputable. I had to recognize and accept that I was a worthwhile person who deserved a happier intimate partnership. When I finally asked him if he had ADHD ,his response was you couldnt tell. How frustrating! Without her help I would have never realized I had the disorder to begin with, and I feel like I owe her so much. Ghosting is done by many of us living with bipolar disorder, especially during bipolar depressive episodes. Ofc I'm not gonna message and give him space but yeah it sucks. At the very least, even if you decide to leave the relationship, youll have helped this person you care about to potentially have a happier, healthier life. Yeah sometimes I have to close my eyes in the car to avoid jumping out of my seat and grabbing the wheel or dive behind (almost under) a parked car in a parking lot (parking lots alone are triggers) when someone decides to set off an M80 in said parking lot because its early July but when those happen theyre over when theyre over. Im always mindful of time zones when I schedule the Zoom meetings. With a lot of help like someone who had seen me make good on Ill walk away before I give it up or lie about it and seen what I skate on I went to every event I could go to, whether I was capable of skating or not. That is what I tell every therapist I have ever gone to. I reasoned that if I fell ill, it would be so overwhelming that he would not know how to respond or take action. Answer (1 of 11): Nah bruh I have adhd that wasn't impulse you did something. But there is lots of great information on Adult ADHD these days, in this blog and in my books and other books by experts, such as Russell Barkley, Phd. (Well, except for the text, I guess. Sigh I started a reply, found Im in another site that doesnt have a draft/cache feature, so I lost it. Rage is anger that is excessive given the situation and is hard to control. I had surgery for cancer when I was 25, and while I was still in the hospital, my ADHD husband went to go play golf with his dad. The break up wasn't toxic, as I do genuinely care for him but the last things he said hurt me- his hearts not in it, he can't force it, he's not happy in life right now, he wants to be left alone. It hurt like fire, but it also made not a lick of sense. I dont care if its purposeful or not there really is some degree of abusiveness that straddles the ADHD, so I am removing myself from it altogether. Then he in turn will be comforted as well, which he needs since these things make him feel ashamed (which he used to cover up with defensiveness). You pursued treatment., And, from the sound of it, you . He was all nurture and got me back into bed, with ice to suck on, and he magically produced a new thermometer. I do it only so others will find this life-changing information. I now have to carry the load for three people + myself I feel like Im raising three special needs children. In my long-held observation, its why even the best attempts at medication dont create results folks are hoping for. Or it might be the flame still flickersperhaps (she might tell herself) against her better judgment. I needed to find a book that was short, sweet, and to the point. The joy zapper. Sounds like a great invention. My bride doesnt see the importance of making our marriage priority. And it springs largely from three things on the clinical side: 1. 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